The side view mirror

“Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They’re shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity and in a flash, they’re gone.” –The Notebook

I had a fleeting summer romance. It was short and bittersweet but it was something really special to me. Because that was the time I have given all of my heart. In some ways, I may have altered some of my dreams to tailor the imminent life-changing situations that the relationship may have brought in. I tried my best, if I may say so. However, there are things in life that are out of our control, out of reach. Maybe someday, I could look back at this time and tell myself that it was probably meant to happen but was not meant to stay. As much as I want to move on and go ahead with life, I still keep looking at the side view mirror, hoping that I might be able to take a glimpse – just one look before I leave…one look to remind me of how things were and how quickly my life has changed.

I have in my Kindle the Single Woman’s Sassy Survival Guide. Honestly, I had no idea why I bought that e-book from Amazon in the first place. During that time, I wasn’t even in a relationship yet and I was meaning to share it with a friend who was going through a hard time. Well, I guess it wasn’t really meant for her. To quote Mandy Hale, “Some people pass through our lives for a season to teach us lessons that could never be learned if they stayed.”

I am a woman with a strong staying power, and perhaps a little bit more of enduring patience. I have clung on to every string of hope but it seems that these things are not enough to make the boy* stay. I keep asking myself why and what went wrong but I just don’t understand it. Maybe because he refuses to tell me what went wrong and just want to keep it to himself? I believe sometimes for people to move on, they need to hear the words. These may cause pain but could also be healing words at the same time. I just wish the boy* had the audacity to tell me, because I would surely understand his reasons. I have accepted everything – his past and present and whatnot in between. Is it because I love the person? Or is it because I am mature enough to accept that not all things in life are perfect and sometimes you just have to deal with it? Both.

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People will never even understand why it is just hard for me to let go. I don’t even know why. I thought maybe I still need to hear those words – words that may be able to heal me completely. Why can’t I just turn my back and leave? Is it because I keep taking glances at the side view mirror in hopes of a second chance? Or is it because I just wanted to make sure the boy* is doing okay before I drive away? I would be lying right now if I’d say that I don’t care about him anymore. I may have given my word that I won’t let go no matter what but sometimes you just know that you have to. Not because you don’t care at all but because the person has already decided not to give a damn anymore. It takes two to tango, remember? The book says, letting go is not for the faint of heart – because no matter how much you convince yourself that this is an easy thing to do you still end up aching. I ache for him, especially at night, simply because I miss the long serious talks (the cheesy ones too), the laughter and the presence. We made a lot of plans…plans which I seriously considered. I guess they will forever remain like that – just plans.

They say if you want to heal your heart, you must deal with all the aches in the world. Cry until you’re exhausted. Cry until all the pain is gone. Cry until there is nothing left to feel. Elizabeth Gilbert says, “Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing…”

I am unsure of what the future may bring but I am thankful for family and friends who shared coffee with me, made me laugh and gave me hugs when I needed it the most. I do not regret this at all because I know somehow God has a bigger plan for me… a much bigger plan than I have for myself. It could be a tough ride but I know I will always have a strong heart and undying hope. Things may not be as colorful as they used to be, but I still have a lot of time in my hands to put color to my world again.

To the boy* who says he can’t be moved, you’ll always be my summer romance.